I promise to not babble on such an emotional topic every time, but there ARE times when it needs to be let out....
So, just like getting married, naming a child can have just as much pressure. While reminiscing the day we named our youngest son, I was reminded of the reason of his middle name. His middle name is Daine. My father's side of the family wanted John, Michael, or Joseph. Rightly so, they are "family names" from my father's side. Our oldest son's middle name is the same as my husband's, as well as a "family name" for his father's side.
So, back to Daine...When we were pregnant again, I was SO sure and ready for it to be a girl. I was going to middle name her after my mother, Kathryn. So, imagine my somewhat disappointment, when we found out it was another boy. How in the world could I honor my mother with a BOY? It sounds so stupid, I'm sure, to the random Joe Schmoe that may read it as stated. But to me, it was SO MUCH MORE than that. We know/knew we were not having anymore children, so this was it.
My mother was killed in a car accident on December 1, 1996. It will be 15 years this December. Almost half my life. SO weird to think of it that way. 15 years of not having her. Most days are fine, some days are just hard. I yearn to have a parent relationship. My grandparents are great, my Aunts are the best around, my father, well, he is a dude, he doesn't get emotions, and my mother in law is the best I could ask for. All of these still don't compare to having a mother. My mother was in no way, shape, or form, a saint. Who knows where I would be if she WERE still here. Sometimes I think that God was watching out for my siblings and me when he took her. Then I wonder where my "rose colored glasses" came from when I yearn to have her here. Would things really be fine? I don't know. I guess maybe my heart just aches for the unknown. She was my worst enemy and I hated her a good portion of my high school years, possibly my elementary years as well. Years of her adventures, marriages, children, new towns, new schools, new friends...over and over again. Now you are wondering what kind of sick, demented person would want to name her child after this person. I was prepared for that...
Through all of her faults, she loved us. I truly believe that she took us through her many marriages for us kids. She worked so many hours a week. We shopped second hand, never had any "extras" or grand gifts, we ate welfare cheese that didn't melt quite like the other real cheese slices. But she loved us. I know she did. I can still picture and hear our fights. They were brutal. A shouting match of champion loud mouths for sure. Buuuuuttttt, then I picture the apology. The hug. The tears from both our eyes. The inability to go to bed knowing that we were upset with each other. Her "snap into action" mentality if one of us kids were treated unfairly or poorly. She taught me humility. She taught me to be thankful for what I have (and never could have). She taught me that life may feel like the sludge on the side of a trash can, but if you have people that love you, that is all that really matters. In turn, I am teaching my children how to love. My oldest tells my youngest daily how much he loves him. My mother died in a car accident after having a huge fight with me. And not getting the make-up hug after. And not hearing, "I'm sorry Mom, I love you." I truly don't know if my heart will ever fully recover from letting that moment slip away....but I'm sorry every day and I still love her every day to this day.
We then find out, no girl, no Kathryn, sorry. Name him something with a John! A Michael! A Joseph! So, what do we do? Middle name him Daine. My middle name- Diane, my mom's middle name-Dianne. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect on so many levels to me. She's there. I'm there. We are part of our own legacy of "family names". Brady will have a story attached to his middle name. A story of lives that once existed. A story of love and family.
Rest in peace Mom. You are gone, but far from forgotten.
No comments:
Post a Comment